Grief…
It over takes you when you least expect it like a wave that sneaks up and knocks you flat.
If feels suffocating and at times overwhelming to the point you find it difficult to breathe.
It’s deep.
It feels dark at times.
It can make you mad.
It steals your strength and can rob you of joy.
You wonder if it will ever go away…but then there is also a desire for it to remain.
But is it good?
There are so many reasons for grief. The loss of a loved one, a child, a job, a life, a dream, health, family…and more.
We all experience grief in so many different ways. Some become angry and some try to control everything because life feels out of control. Some become depressed and lost in it. Some stuff it, and others cry through it. But it’s real, it’s deep and everyone will experience it in life in some way because life is full of pain and loss.
But is it good? Can it be good?
I was talking to my neighbor last night about some circumstances in my life that have brought grief to the surface again.
I miss my mom…deeply. I feel like I’m coming out of a numbness that carried me through this past year and a deep ache has taken it’s place.
Four months ago, my dad remarried a wonderful woman with a large family and has found a new life there. But even that “blessing” has brought about another sense of loss and sense of grief. I miss the way my family used to be…everything has changed. Holidays and relationships will never be the same…life goes on. People change, situations change and new life is born from death. And nothing can replace my mom. My heart will always have a small hole in it. It’s like I lost a toe. I can walk, but slightly differently. I sometimes forget it’s gone…but only for a moment, then I feel it’s absence again. Most of the time I’m fine…I carry on through the demands of life because I have to and there are a lot of distractions, but there’s a small ache inside that doesn’t go away, then grows and eventually washes over me during the quiet moments. I grieve for so many things during those moments. Loss of a precious person to me, loss of a parent, loss of a prayer warrior, loss of her wisdom, touch and lipstick kisses. I grieve because I lost a friend and feel the loss of future family times together: laughter, memories, conversations. I grieve at the loss that my children might never know how amazing she was.
But is it good? Is it good to grieve? Can grief be good?
Yes…it can be.
Grief with hope is good. Grief with comfort is good. Grief with the knowledge that I will see her again is good. Grief with the assurance that the pain is for a reason is good.
My neighbor last night was assuring me that my grief shows me how deeply I loved her and how real she was to me. If I didn’t have grief, then it wouldn’t be counted a loss. The deeper the loss, the deeper the tearing, the deeper the pain and the deeper the grief.
But, I am not alone. Praise the Lord, I don’t have to walk through grief alone.
There is something in the Bible that has come to life for me that I never placed much thought on before. Jesus’ earthly father Joseph was not around towards the end of his life. Sometime between the age of 12 (when we see Joseph and Mary searching frantically for him after Passover) and His baptism (at the age of 30), it’s believed Joseph died. Jesus was the oldest and probably spent a lot of time with his earthly father learning the trade of carpentry. He probably knew his father better than any of the other kids…not because He was God, but because He knew him the longest. Yet, Joseph died and the family dynamics changed. Jesus…the Son of God…never saved him. With all His power, He didn’t heal him. God the Father allowed His Son’s earthly father to die. He allowed Jesus to experience grief…as a boy, perhaps as a man. He allowed Jesus to watch his mother experience the grief of losing a husband and his siblings the grief of losing a beloved father.
He knows what it’s like for a family to change, for a parent whom you love to die. He knows the emptiness it leaves in your heart. Yet He also knows how it all ends and how we will all be together again. I can’t imagine not having the hope of Heaven. I can’t imagine grief without knowing I WILL see her again. Yes, grief is good because it reminds me what a beautiful, wonderful, special person she was to me. It reminds me that my sweet Jesus is with me in the pain and allows me to feel His presence and hope wash over me. It makes me stronger. It makes my heart softer. It gives me a deep empathy and compassion for people who have to walk through the same road in life. I get to comfort them, love them, give them hope and encourage them.
Jesus also experienced grief when his good friend Lazarus died. It says in John 11:35 “He wept.” The shortest, deepest verse in the Bible. He wept. He wept for His loss and for Mary and Martha’s loss.
We see Jesus weeping again over Jerusalem when He was entering the city and they didn’t know Him as the Messiah, the one who would die for them and bring them peace. They were blind and in essence rejected Him and His love for them and the work He would do for them on the cross. (Luke 19:41-42)
Jesus experienced grief like we will never know. He was born, lived among us, was despised and rejected and crucified for us. He felt every kind of grief we could ever imagine. Almost everyone He loved rejected Him. He lost people He loved and cared about deeply to death. He knows our pain.
If you feel darkness, depression, emptiness and anger in your grief, turn your eyes towards the One who knows what it’s like to lose everything. In our suffering, in our pain, we can share in His suffering and realize how much He loves us. For He willingly chose that life of grief, pain, heartbreak, betrayal and loss so that He could empathize with us, comfort us, show us how much He loves us. He walked that road so that He could die for us and someday take us home to be with Him forever! There is nothing we can go through that He hasn’t already experienced.
In our pain and grief, we can bleed out before His nail scared hands and feet and experience a closeness to the Lord that deepens our love for Him and the knowledge of His love for us. He gives us His Comforter, the Holy Spirit, to wrap us up in His loving arms and to tell us it’s going to be okay. He doesn’t promise there won’t be pain…for we live in a fallen, ugly world. But He does promise to use it for our good…to draw us closer to Him and to bring about His glory when we keep our eyes on Him and not on the pain.
Jeremiah 29:11-14: “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you,” declares the Lord,”
I have grief. I weep. But my grief is good and I can rejoice in it because it draws me closer to the One who gave everything for me. I share in His suffering. I feel Him deeper in my soul. He becomes more real and far greater than I could have known without it. The pain I have felt has been so heavy at times…but I wouldn’t trade it. For it has drawn me closer to the Lord and given me new eyes to see His beauty and love for me. It has shown me that this life is a vapor and to treasure the people in it more deeply. It has given me a deeper sense of hope and hunger and greater desire for Heaven.
I keep my tear filled eyes on my Beloved Savior. He is my anchor and my Rock when the wave of grief crashes upon me. I stand firm because I see the One who knows my pain. I see His love for me in His tear stained eyes and in the scars on His hands and feet. I can rejoice that He is comforting me even now and has given me a hope and a future. I will not allow the enemy to use pain and grief to defeat me or to cloud me in darkness. For my Savior who is with me is greater than he that is in the world. He loves me, He died for me and therefore I can cast all my burdens upon Him because he cares for me.
I leave you with this song…it’s been a great encouragement in times of suffering and pain. It’s by Jeremy Camp called, “He Knows.”
Remember His life…given because He loves you. He knows.
This expresses my sentiments exactly. On June 21, 2013 I lost my husband. We had been together for 31 years almost to the day. He was getting ready for work when a blood clot in his leg broke free and traveled up to his lungs where it lodged in such a way that he could breathe but not exchange oxygen. He was already dead when I found him. My world changed forever.
The Lord has drawn near to me, and comforted me through those that love Him. Times have felt like stormy seas, with tremendous waves crashing all about, but I have felt His presence and kept my gaze firmly fixed on Him and his sacrifice for me. There have been days when depression has sought to bring me low and pin me there. I fight back by doing something to encourage others, or to express the Lord’s love to someone else…taking my focus off of myself and my grief and trying to do good instead. It feels like a spiritual war; most battles I win, but some I lose. Those days I’m a mess, and glad to be alone and not a distraction.
I’ve learned a lot from this experience, and continue to. I have empathy for those in depression, or grief, illness, pain. My faith has grown exponentially. I have been humbled; have to graciously accept assistance and am dependent upon others for my needs as I attempt to find employment. I’ve had to experience rejection upon rejection as my most recent work experience was ten years ago, though I raised five children and home-schooled them all K-12. I have to remind myself that I’m precious in HIS eyes.
At all times, I have sensed a watching world. How I conduct myself, and give the glory to God for every blessing, finding the good in every situation brings encouragement to others. There is plenty of opportunity to share how the Lord has provided for me, prepared me for this season, blesses me continually. Yes, I get extremely sad and lonely sometimes. Then I remember how lonely Jesus must have been when even his closest friends here below denied him and his father turned his face away. He also grieved and wept over the loss of loved ones and empathizes with me. I CHOOSE to reflect on the happy memories, and feel so blessed to have known such love and to have had so many years together.
I have no idea what new normal will look like for me. The previous chapter of my life was so clearly closed and now I am waiting for what is next. My prayers are for faith sufficient to trust Him in all things.
God bless you for this post. MANY people, like me, are unable to celebrate the season as we would like. So many battle with depression and watch the lights and decorations go up around them without feeling any joy within. May some find peace through your post.
What a beautiful beautiful word Carol!! It encourages my heart so much to see your reaction to your paint and devastation. I’m sure MANY will be encouraged by your words.
I can’t imagine losing a husband so quickly and after so many years. A part of my heart would forever be lost. It’s so encouraging to see you stand firm though and find your peace in the Prince of Peace. “Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.” (John 14:27) This world is full of pain, but I love how you can truly be a light through the darkness.
We are cracked clay pots…so many scars, and so much pain at times leaves our hearts with gaping holes. But when we run to the Prince of Peace and we hide the Word of God, the Light in the world within us, HE radiates…HE receives glory…HE is magnified and we find the purpose in the pain. I know there have been many witnesses watching you (including your children) and they have/are seeing how God is glorified in your pain and every day we can make the choice to overcome evil with good. What the enemy wants to use for our defeat, HE will use for His glory and our good. I love that promise!! Someday, you will wrap your arms around the Lord and He will whisper “Well done child!” For during those times of persecution, your eyes stayed fixed upon Jesus…and many will glorify the Lord for that!!
Thank you so much Carol for telling your story! May your heart be blessed and your cup filled to overflowing with the love of Christ! xo!
Jessica,
I’ve ” met” you on Craftsy…I grew up around cakes but lately I have been concentrating in making it my life goal. Loved how clean, distinct and simple your work is and could feel the ” touch”…I knew you were God led for the amazing work that you do. Blessings to you beautiful lady!
I’m grieving as well! Wow…I’ve said it! Yes Jessica, I’m grieving somebody that came to my life and was taken away so suddenly. My father, father in-law/uncle….above all …my best friend….we had so many plans…and goals….and….I’ve shared my cake carreer and…oh Jessica….I wasn’t prepared to add grief to the list of unshared issues. I have been relaying on God and Jesus has been my strength. I’m not understanding…and I’ve been drinking water to swallow the knot….and trying to find a way to block the hole….but….I guess takes time. A LONG time…
Today it has been 2 months since I’ve lost him…and I miss him terribly….I weep…in desperation but I also trust God. You’ve said it well : ” I have no idea what new normal will look like for me. The previous chapter of my life was so clearly closed and now I am waiting for what is next. My prayers are for faith sufficient to trust Him in all things. ”
I’m clueless but I hang on to Him…and wait for each day…to be…what He intends it to be…since my ” normal” …will never be normal.
Thank you for this….thank you very much…for this post.
May God bless you!
Sweet Claudia! You will never be the same. There will always be a part of you missing. But God will slowly heal the open wound and it won’t hurt so much eventually. Yes…you’ll learn a new normal. You’ll learn to trust, talk to, rely on, rest in God’s love in ways you never could before. It opens you up to a deeper relationship with your Creator and softens your heart to love others around you more deeply knowing how short this vapor of a life we have is. Praise be that we have a Heavenly Father…an Abba…that knows our deepest pain and weeps with us when we weep. Curl up, wrap your arms around Him and hang on. He will carry you through this. You will sense His strength in ways you never would have known before. There is HOPE. So much Hope. Stay in the Word and guard your heart from the enemy. Remember you battle not against flesh and blood but against the spirit. Wrap your life around His Word and His wisdom so you can rejoice in your suffering and see the goodness of the Lord in all circumstances. He is your covering. He will be your joy.
Isaiah 41:13 – “For I am the LORD your God who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you.”
Jeremiah 29:11-14a – “For I know the plans that I have for you,’ declares the LORD, ‘plans for welfare and not for calamity to give you a future and a hope. ‘Then you will call upon Me and come and pray to Me, and I will listen to you. ‘You will seek Me and find Me when you search for Me with all your heart. ‘I will be found by you,’ declares the LORD.”
You have a hope and a future in Christ. Look to the sky from where your help comes. (Psalm 121:1-6 – I will lift up my eyes to the mountains; From where shall my help come? My help comes from the LORD, Who made heaven and earth. He will not allow your foot to slip; He who keeps you will not slumber. Behold, He who keeps Israel will neither slumber nor sleep. The LORD is your keeper; The LORD is your shade on your right hand. The sun will not smite you by day, nor the moon by night. The LORD will protect you from all evil; He will keep your soul. The LORD will guard your going out and your coming in from this time forth and forever.”
He is with you. Hold on. There is beauty from ashes.
Just realized that I’ve quoted Carol. Sorry Jessica.
Carol…you said it well. Thank you for sharing…I needed it….I so needed i! May God comfort you and may He fulfill all your needs according to His will. May you lack nothing and may your house and heart be filled with His peace. May He reward you for this testimony that touches one’s heart. Thank you Carol. Thank you
1 Corinthians 13 — And now these three remail: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.
Jessica, I’m really sorry to hear about the passing of your mum, even if it was a year ago. Grief, I’m afraid is one of those scars we get to carry in life. It fades over time, but it’s part and parcel of living. You can try to hurry through grief – all I can say is just feel all your feelings. And when the wave comes up, do something for your soul that puts a little back into the black hole that currently resides there. When my dad died I was single, and my grief over his sudden death was a lonely journey. It took me two and a half years to feel okay again. My husband’s dad has passed away just last month, and I am truly grateful to have the benefit of my own experience with grief to help him through this horrible time. We talk, and process, and talk, and feel and talk some more. I hope your husband is giving you all the support you need. Wishing you the best.
Yes! I agree! Thank you for your sweet note! I so appreciate hearing other people’s stories. My husband and family are amazing! I have been so blessed to have fantastic in-laws and my mother in law and I have gotten even closer because she too lost her mom rather suddenly almost 14 years ago. So, I am truly blessed and so very thankful!! God is so good to provide us the support when we need it. Blessings to you too!!